Wanted: Butch Catsidy
Greetings humans, Butch Catsidy here, chiming in today about the recent odd and unsatisfactory behaviors of my primary human. Let me tell you folks, conditions here have been very bad. My primary human was gone, just gone WITHOUT ME, for almost 2 whole weeks. She was off staying with something called “parents”. I am not sure what that is, but it did not involve me and that was distressing. My lap time quotient was severely affected, I am in quite a deficit now and due to this irresponsible behavior will need to double down on my lap time efforts. She has promised me that next time she goes to “parents” I will be included. I am holding her to her word on this.
My work is never done. My lap time deficit will take weeks to make up.
Disappearing to “parents” is not the only odd behavior my primary human has been displaying lately. I think she may need a trip to “veterinarian” to correct this current disorder. She has been speaking to me at length recently about moving into “van” and “traveling”.
I can tell she is worried about our current vulnerable position here at “domicile”. I think the pressure is getting to her. I supposed this is understandable, seeing as how she is aiding and abetting a known criminal, me, from the long arm of the law. I think she may be using the word “traveling” as a euphemism for going on the lam with a known criminal, me. How did we come to this precarious situation? Love.
Let mine be a cautionary tale for all the good little kitties out there. Be on your guard lads, for one mistake can lead you to ruin.
I didn’t mean to hurt him, it was “involuntary manclawter”.
My trouble started last fall, just before the thing called “Thanksgiving”. My primary and secondary humans had been away from “domicile” for days, again WITHOUT ME. When they returned, I was so overcome with neediness for pets, that I lost control. It was just a love bite, honestly, but my love was just so deep at that moment that my teeth just accidentally went into my secondary human’s petting hand. They did this before I really knew what was happening and they went in just as deep as my love, so deep. Suddenly, my secondary human yelped very loudly and that’s when I knew, I had crossed the line. I had unintentionally lived up to my name, Butch Catsidy, Criminal Cat.
I was sorry. I told him so and he forgave me, but the holes that my teeth accidentally made in his petting hand got very sore and swollen and then, the night before the “Thanksgiving”, he had to go to a thing called “emergency room”. That’s when the Cat Cops first caught wind of my nefarious activity.
My humans tried to cover for me. They told the Cat Cops it was an accident. Didn’t matter, the law showed up on the doorstep anyway just a few weeks later in their blue uniforms with their clip board and shiny flashlights. They wanted to throw me in the slammer right then, but the statute of limitations for love bites had worn off by the time they got to me. They rooted me out of my hole in the wall hideout under the bed in “domicile” and gave me a stiff warning and a major case of the heebie jeebies.
I know they’re still out there watching, waiting, itching for me to make that one fatal mistake. She’s right, it might be time to bug out, hit the road, take a powder, pull up stakes, vamoose, scram, go on the lam, make like a tree and leave. I’m no fraidy cat, well sometimes I am a bit overly cautious, but I’m not stupid. If my primary human thinks we should “travel” in “van” to keep me ahead of the cat cops, I’m all in. I’ll keep you posted on my escape and where it leads. In the meanwhile, I’ll be in the wind.
Yours Truly,
Butch Catsidy, Wanted Criminal Cat
Amanuensis: The Primary Human, aka The Sundance Kit
