Quick, Call ASPCA! PETA! The Geneva Convention! Cat Lives Matter! -By Butch Catsidy

My feline rights have been infringed.

Yesterday was a most unsatisfactory day in my fugitive life. It all started once again though the incompetency of my staff. Good help is hard to find.

My getaway vehicle is really a tiny self-contained house. Like any house, its various systems require maintenance. Cats know this, but we place our staff in charge of the details, naturally. So, it is entirely their fault that the diesel heater that keeps us all from freezing stopped working abruptly last weekend.

Apparently, they were unaware that these little diesel heaters need to be ‘cleaned’ weekly to prevent carbon build up and serviced after every 1500 hours of use. Well, we’ve been heating the van all winter now without doing either. They learned a tough lesson, tougher for them than me of course because I am covered with fur.

As a result of this lapse in knowledge, my getaway vehicle had to be taken into a shop so the heater could be serviced. Shop work on the van has happened before, much to my distress. I don’t like it. I, being a fugitive and general scaredy cat, am forced to sequester myself in my secret hidey hole and wait out the situation.

Yesterday was apparently a glorious day in Golden, CO, not that I would know from my spot in the bowels of the van on top of the water tank. My staff on the other hand blithely dropped the van, with me hidden inside, at the Tourig shop and off they went, walking around in the fresh air, day drinking at a nearby brewery and generally lollygagging around ALL afternoon in the sunshine while I was imprisoned in my hidey hole. Worse of all, there were DOGS at the shop! I heard and smelled them, 3 friendly, panting, cute, happy dogs and my humans loved them and gave them lots of pets, MY pets! Completely unsatisfactory staff performance for the day. I am thinking of sending a message asking them to detail 5 things they have done for me this week, just to make sure they know who they work for.

I made my position clear as soon as we returned to our regular parking spot and settled down for the night. Having starved all day, I wolfed down my dinner as fast as I could and barfed on the countertop as soon as they crawled into bed and got comfy. Ha. Take that, slackers.

I expect some pampering treatment today to make up for yesterday’s poor performance by my staff. I also expect them to implement the weekly heater maintenance thingy immediately. It’s really so simple, don’t run the little heater on low all the time, crank up the heat to high for 30 minutes a week to burn off the residues. Staff who operate getaway vehicles should know this little trick. I hope my fellow felines will make sure their staff are aware of this detail, it really shouldn’t be our place to deal with this information, but staff sometime need direction.

Yours in infringement,

-Butch Catsidy