Living at Large in a Small Space with Big Humans by Butch Catsidy

My name is Butch Catsidy and I am a wanted cat. I live with two domestics, a female called Deb who is my Primary Human and a male called Greg who is my Secondary Human. We all get along very well, but it can be challenging managing humans on the run. My Life has taken a strange turn since the great involuntary manclawter love nip incident of 2023. If you don’t know my story, I will recap. My trouble started in the fall that year when my domestics inexplicably went AWOL for an entire week. As a result of this completely unacceptable situation, I was far behind in my treat dispersion and ear rubbing schedules and quite cranky and needy by the time they returned to my service. I plead innocent by reason of temporary insanity. My Secondary Human was trying to catch me up on pets and ear rubs when the need to nip overcame me. It was just a love bite, honestly, a little corrective nip that would remind him who’s the boss, but in my state of temporary insanity, my corrective nip somehow turned into a real bite to his hand. That’s the moment that I became a criminal cat, destined to live on the run, forever.

Things would have never gotten so out of control if the corrective nip (tooth puncture holes) in my Secondary Human’s hand had not become infected. Timing played a pivotal role as well since the infection happened on the night before Thanksgiving prompting him to seek treatment at a place called an emergency room to get anti-bite-otics. That’s when the Cat Cops first caught wind of my nefarious activity, I was ratted out by the ER doc. One little accidentally too deep corrective nip puncture wound, and everyone just wigs out!

The law showed up on my doorstep a few weeks later in their blue uniforms with their clip board and shiny flashlights. They said they were animal control officers (like cats can be controlled, ha!) and even though my secondary human’s hand was all healed up by then, they wanted to throw me in the slammer right then and there. ‘Quarantine’, they called it (I know lock up when I’m threatened with it) to make sure I didn’t have rabies, which I am vaccinated for. Luckily for me, it took the law took just long enough to catch up with me that the statute of limitations for corrective love bites had worn off. They invaded my space anyway, citing probable claws. They looked me over good with squinty-eyed suspicion. They gave me a stiff warning and a major case of the heebie-jeebies. That is how I came to be, Butch Catsidy, Fugitive at Large.

Of course, my domestics and I have had to adjust our living situation. I had to carefully manage their transition from domestic servants in a static home to co-conspirators aiding and abetting a known criminal cat. Luckily, cats are natural managers, so I quickly had the situation in control. If you should find yourself in an involuntary manclawter situation and suddenly need to change your domestic situation, I offer these tips for getting your staff ready to go on the lam with you:

First, you need a getaway vehicle that can double as your new domestic arrangement. Once your staff procures that for you, you must get them used to being in your new living space with you. When my getaway vehicle first arrived, I had my humans take me out to it for a few hours each evening so they could see how it felt to accompany me in this new little space. We practiced my usual routines, fur brushing, ear rubs, treat dispersion. I showed them how I would be exploring my new space when my needs were taken care of, and they showed me how they would watch the square box in the evenings during their break time. We practiced this relaxing evening routine for weeks until their comfort level with being in the getaway vehicle matched their comfort level with being in the static home.

Second, you must break them into being on the run gradually. Start by just having them start the engine while you are doing your evening routine to get used to the sound of the engine. Then, let them take you on short getaway drives near your regular home, just to let them get used to the motion of the vehicle. I allow them to do all the driving, I don’t want to be spotted on the road by the cat cops, so I tuck myself away in a good hiding spot under the bed while we’re on the road. You will find they get more and more comfortable being your getaway drivers each time you take them out to practice. Once they get used to driving you around, try going to a local overnight hideout so they can see what it is like to stand guard over you while you sleep at night.  If they get very distressed, you are close to home and can take them back and try again another day.

Third, humans living in small spaces need activity. So sometimes, just to make sure they stay sharp, I barf in random places around the getaway home/vehicle. This keeps my domestics on their toes and attentive to my needs. They need chores like cleaning up messes and making sure I have plenty of fresh water while we’re on the run. It keeps them occupied. I also had them pack my favorite toys and I allow them to use them to play with me regularly. Enrichment is so important for domestics. I also made sure my favorite brush was packed, just because you’re on the run is no reason to let your personal grooming standards slip. Allowing my humans to brush me out regularly is very calming for all of us and keeps me looking sharp.

Fourth, we must all have our space, even if its little. I of course am the perfect size and agility level for our new portable home and find it quite comfortable to move about in. My humans, however, are not as size appropriate or agile for this new diminutive domicile. We are learning to maneuver around each other. I give them as wide a berth as can be achieved when they are moving about. They in turn are careful about watching the movements of their giant awkward bodies so as not to step on or crush any of my pertinent body parts (which are all of them). This takes time and practice so be patient. Give them time to explore and get comfortable, don’t crowd them while they are learning the space if you can help it.

 Lastly, I made sure they packed all my vaccination records in an easily accessible place, other humans can be fussy about your documents in some situations, so make sure your domestics have your travel papers in order.

So far, I am quite happy with our new living arrangements. We have evaded the long arm of the law. I am getting to be a well-seasoned traveler, and my domestics are performing admirably at maintaining my standard of living.

My best wishes to all the traveling animals out there and their domestics. Remember, if the cat cops ask, you never saw me.

-Butch Catsidy