Spouses Without Borders, Walls, Doors, She Sheds or Man Caves
All the air fresheners in the world can’t mask the morning after the trip to the taco truck when you live in a tiny space with another human being. When we started talking to people in our lives about our plans to live and travel in a van for a year, we heard, more than a few times, remarks centered around doubt.
“We would drive each other crazy.”
“We would kill each other.”
“You know, the bets are against you.”
“Here’s my divorce lawyer’s card, you’re going to need this.”
All said good naturedly for a laugh and we know there was no malice intended, but it kind of speaks to the state of marriage in the world these days, doesn’t it? Seems like marriage can be seen as disposable when things become more of a challenge than we are willing to endure. Granted, there isn’t a much more challenging situation you can place on your marriage than cramming your life into the back of a tricked-out cargo van and traveling into the unknown for thousands of miles. Not like you can go into another room to escape each other when you are upset. So how does this thing work?
Truth: Unless you are a glass mannequin, you stink sometimes. Unless you are a bag of marbles, you have behavioral habits that someone other than yourself might find annoying and even if you are a bag of marbles, someone is going to be unhappy with you sometime. Unless you are the energizer bunny, you get tired and irritable sometimes. Unless you have taken a vow of complete silence, you are going to say something in a moment of stress that could be taken the wrong way. Unless you never eat, your body digests food and it isn’t pretty. You are imperfect, so is your spouse.
Facing your own faults is hard. No one likes to look inside to see those things we all hide from one another, especially those things we hide from someone that we love and want to impress with our best self. I think back (a really, really long way back), to when I first met and ‘sparked’ with Greg. It was in the early 80’s. Yeah, I know, we’re old. Back in the early days of ‘courtship’ when I was young, insecure and terribly vain, I would never, and I mean never, fart in front of this cute guy I was just getting to know. I would hold it until I developed a kink in my colon and would keep a smile on my face so he wouldn’t know that indeed, I expelled gas like any other human. A perfect example of the lengths to which I was willing to go to present my most pleasant front to him was the night of our senior prom. He took me out for a steak and lobster dinner before the dance, the first time I had ever had such an elegant experience. I was all fixed up in my dress and was not about to let him know that all day I had been fighting a horrible stomachache. By the middle of the dance, I had thrown up every bit of the expensive dinner he bought me. He never knew that those trips to the powder room were not just about fixing my lipstick and popping a breath mint. I danced every dance (in between hurling) and we had a great night. That self-conscious high school chick would be absolutely mortified at having to poop just a few feet away from the man of her dreams with only a thin metal vented barrier to hide behind. That girl would probably have exploded before letting that bodily function happen.
It isn’t just the disgusting physical aspects of being a human with sweat glands and a functioning digestive system that presents a challenge when living in close quarters with another person. More difficult and dangerous are the aspects of our personalities and emotions that are ugly. If you are an impatient person, your impatience amplifies in confined quarters. If you are a messy person, your messiness becomes overwhelming in confined quarters. If there are hidden resentments toward one another that you hold on to, those are not going to stay hidden for very long in close quarters. Those kinds of challenges are difficult, but not impossible at all if you are willing to face and work through them together. Remember, we are all imperfect. What makes challenges worth enduring are the rewards we reap in the end.
In recent years, we have found that our connection to each other has been incredibly strengthened by our newly shared faith. We were blessed to be guided to a church home that has changed our whole outlook and given us the tools to reach deep within and unearth the hidden parts of ourselves and our relationship that were ugly. It is scary to expose the things about yourself that you want to hide to your spouse. It is also healing and the more you learn to give and receive grace from one another, the stronger you become as a couple, so strong that you can meet any challenge.
At 8:30 MST on Sunday morning, no matter where we are, you can find us tuned in to the live broadcast of Northeast Christian Church in Grand Junction, CO. Extra pertinent to this blog is the fact that this coming Sunday, February 2nd 2025, Pastor Thomas begins a new series on marriage called “Hold Fast”. Let me tell you, if you really want to add some spiritual juice to your marital journey, don’t miss this series. You can check it out on this link: Northeast Christian Church
So, to those very humorous doubters we heard from when we first came up with this van life plan:
We’re up for the challenge; we know it is worth it. We’re 4 months into all the close-proximity bodily functions and exposed feelings and while it is true that there is no mystery left for Greg and I, NONE AT ALL, that’s not a bad thing. We still have our sense of humor and a deeper understanding and love for one another. Those have proven to be much more valuable than maintaining mystery for life in Our Ramblin Van.
Happy Trails!